Friday, May 27, 2016

oh hey

So, it's been a while. I hate that thing people do where they apologize for not blogging for a while, yet I totally feel the need to do it. But, really, I do actually want to talk about why I haven't blogged in a while.

When I first started this blog, it was a place where I shared about my life. Then I tried out the fashion blogger thing for a moment, shared some recipes, did some sponsored posts and got some cool free stuff, and eventually remembered that I loved blogging because it was a place to share things I cared about and also a good place to write when I needed to share what was on my mind. Most of the time - that meant dear boys posts because the "joys" of dating were on my mind a lot in those days.

Sometime within the time I graduated college and when I started my career, I stopped having time to blog. Stopped making time is fair to say also. But really,  my college major offered me a bit more free time than the 8-5 gig I have now. So I wrote less. Then I started dating my now husband and wanted to spend all my free time with him - PLUS I no longer had dating woes to write about. So, I wrote a lot less.

And now I'm in a place where sharing about my life - one of my favorite things about blogging - feels a lot different. I like sharing our love story, but it's our love story to share. I don't mean that it can't just be in my voice, but I want to make sure what I'm sharing is something my husband is okay with me sharing as well. Because many parts of my life are no longer just mine. Which is a really wonderful thing and I like it a lot, but it changes the way I write. At least about some things.

Plus, if I'm being really honest, I'm not sure I really know what to say anymore. I'm still passionate about life. There are many great things I could talk about and many tough challenges I could talk about too. But blogging has still moved down on my priorities list and opening up online has moved waaaay up on my vulnerability list.

The internet is a really cool thing. I have made so many very dear friends through various forms of social media, I have learned a LOT, gained a lot of great perspectives, and social media is pretty much the meat and potatoes of my career. But I have also seen a lot of bullying online, I've been bombarded with lots of untrue, unkind, and uncomfortable information, and I've often been told I'm wrong. I know it's okay to be wrong sometimes and I also know it's okay (normal! wonderful!) for people to have different opinions. But, I'd be lying to you if I didn't say that my little heart is just very very scared about hearing how "wrong" I might be or why exactly I should think differently than I do.

There's a lot of word vomit for you - one of my favorite forms of blogging. I'm sitting here coaching myself through the thought of publishing this post. "It's your blog, this is what's on your mind right now, you can share it and it doesn't matter if anyone cares or reads it. It's what YOU wanted to share." Yet, the people pleaser in me feels REAL lame for posting such a vomit-y, "unimportant" post. But if there's anything I've learned recently, it's that I've got to stop spending my life trying to please everyone - or anyone. I can't do it. Trying is not only pointless, but it's harmful.

So, here's where I'm at: I love blogging and I know that writing does my heart some serious good. I'm going to keep writing. I'm definitely going to keep writing our love story - because I want it written for forever and it's my favorite story to share. But, I'll also be doing that on my own time. I had a little chat with my people-pleasing self just now and said "Hey, it doesn't matter if you're coming up on one year of marriage and you haven't even gotten to the part of the story where Matt proposed. Write when, how, and whatever you want." But I also don't know what else this blog will be about. Pieces of my life has always been the goal, I just have to figure out which pieces I want to share publicly and which pieces are just for me.
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