Monday, March 10, 2014

going to be okay

I'm on a stationary bike at the gym right now. I'm pretending I can breathe, but it's mile four and my legs might fall off (not to mention my behind... tmi? too bad). I'm trying this whole new blog wherever I am thing. Turns out I'm a much better blogger when I write bits and pieces on my phone in my free time. And bless blogger for updating their app and making it way easier to blog from my phone.

More important than my gym habits: I am seriously surrounded by the most incredible people. The comments, texts, messages, and jelly beans (yes, jelly beans - they made me cry) I've received in the past week have blown me away. Seriously, I know the kindest people! The best part is, they've been right there caring for me all along. Another favorite part is finding others who are also fighting silent battles and sharing a moment of "hey, we can do this, we're not alone."

Today has been a really good day. Something about admitting to the world that you're not okay makes everything seem just a little bit more okay. With a side note of "uhhhhm did I really just publish that?" And a large amount of panic. But really, vulnerability. I'm trying to not be so terrified of it.

I wish I could tell you what made today such a good day. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. Among them: the nicest friends ever, incredible family, lots of praying, more praying, and just stepping back and letting myself breathe. 

I've spent the last week in a mostly constant stage of "I'm not okay I'm not okay I'm not okay what do I do?" in my own head. And sometimes I'm not okay. We've already discussed that. Today I feel like some of the challenge I've felt in the last little bit is the fact that I let myself panic through that perpetual state of "not okay". I put a bunch of pressure on myself to "get okay" and fix everything. And I live in that state of concern trying desperately to figure out how to be okay.

That whole time, I'd pray and get constant reassurance that everything was going to be okay. I knew that. I know that. But I wanted it okay instantly. And I think that's something I'm learning. Along with it being okay to not be okay sometimes, it's also okay to let go of fixing everything and thinking you have to make it all okay on your own and right away. You don't. There's something about letting go that helps that "going to be okay" process along. There's something about that journey - the "going to be okay" journey that makes that destination of "I'm okay" that much sweeter. 
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