Friday, February 28, 2014

a parking lot blog post about life

My cool friend, Katilda, does this thing where she free writes while she's waiting for trains and such and then posts sections of that on her blog. I think it's rad. One time, I watched some boys do engineering homework for over an hour and my phone died so I thought WWKD? (What would Katilda do?), pulled out my Institute journal and wrote everything I was thinking.

I'm not sharing that writing with you today.

Right now, however, I am sitting outside the Logan temple in my car listening to the rain fall in my roof. And I'm writing this blog post on my phone. So let's hope the updated blogger app does better at formatting than it did in its former life. I'm channeling my inner Katilda and just writing whatever I want to write.

This wasn't intended to be a Katilda fangirl post really. She is worthy of that, but I actually want to talk about some things I've learned recently.

Life is way hard. Like, sometimes it's overwhelming to the point that I could vomit kind of way hard. Or lay on the floor and sob on the phone to your mom level of way hard. I've always been emotional, but it turns out that I am a highly sensitive person. I feel a lot. And when life is hard... #allthefeels. Back in October, I visited a couple that I look up to quite a bit. (They're kind of like my Logan parents.) I actually showed up on their doorstep in tears, heartbroken over a boy. As I sat sobbing in their living room, we talked about what I was feeling and one of them said "you know, when I met you I could tell you were an extremely happy person, but I couldn't help but wonder if somewhere among all those high highs you had some of these low lows."

That comment stuck with me. Truthfully, I am kind of an extreme person. But I'm starting to think that's not such a bad thing. In institute, we were talking about the story of Alma the Younger and his repentance process. He talks about the pain he experienced before he repented/experienced a change of heart. After the change he says "And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!"

The part that hits home for me is the fact that after a change of heart, his joy was as exceeding as his pain. Do you know what that tells me? Moments of deep pain and sorrow are worth it. We all know what its like to be sick and then appreciate being healthy right after just a little bit more. Because, opposition.

And deep down, I honestly believe that all those deep pain, life is so hard I could vomit moments are really just change. Which is repentance. I don't think we'd ever experience a fullness of joy without sometimes having glimpses of a fullness of sorrow.

So, here's what else I've learned: Life is really really really good. Like, so good you want to shout it from the roof tops, so good that you tear up over Full House moments and Olympics commercials. Because when you believe in good, when you feel the good, everything is good. Even the hard stuff.

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