Wednesday, June 12, 2013

some days I'm really grateful for sunglasses

because some days everything isn't actually okay.

Which doesn't mean that I don't know with all my heart that it will be okay. And it doesn't mean that I'm giving up or giving in. But it does mean that I admitted to myself that that heartache I had been avoiding feeling is real. I finally stopped pushing it aside, I let the optimism take a breather, and I genuinely let myself feel what my heart and soul was telling me. 

And then maybe I pulled over in a random parking lot and cried. Then maybe when I pulled myself together enough to see, I kept driving knowing that everyone looking in the window only saw a girl with cute mint rayban knockoffs and that nobody knew that the tears hadn't stopped for the last 30 miles. 

Because some days, you have to stop being a "big girl" and stop pushing forward. You have to admit to yourself that it's actually okay to not be okay. You break down that fake perfection wall and live authentically, even if it's only for a moment. Sometimes you have to stop avoiding the heartbreak and remember that actually experiencing heartbreak is what allows you to truly experience joy. 

The best part about these sunglasses is not that they hid the tears of the multiple breakdowns that have already happened this week, but who they came from and what they mean. Chrissy probably has no idea that I wear them every single day. She probably has no idea that I smile every time I put them on because I know she bought them for me because she knew I'd love them (and I do). She probably has no idea that in my moment of "I can't do this anymore" and "why me?", I wore those sunglasses not simply as a way to hide my tears, but as a reminder of how loved I really am. 

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