Tuesday, October 2, 2012

risks, stress, vulnerability and other yucky words

I have this problem with needing to be perfect, or at least needing to appear perfect. Oldest child syndrome, probably. I don't like people to know that I don't have everything under control all the time. I'm too reserved sometimes because I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable. And, I don't take a lot of risks because I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't like anyone to know I'm vulnerable. I like appearing 100% okay and on top of things 100% of the time. 

I realized this as I was writing in my journal last night. I can't even be completely honest in my journal because I don't want to seem... too girly, or too naive, or too unsure of myself. I want to act like I know everything about everything. I'm pretty sure the word for me is stuffy.

I don't sky dive, I don't cliff jump, I don't even play ultimate frisbee because I'm frightened of things flying at my head. I gave up on having "crushes" this summer because if you don't like someone, you can't be disappointed when they don't like you back. I run away from situations that might make me feel uncomfortable. 

I don't think I need to get into sky diving, but I do think I might need to allow myself to feel vulnerable again and take some risks. I'm pretty sure taking risks is the way to accomplish the greatest things. 

I'm just scared. 
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