Sunday, March 4, 2012

beautiful heartbreak

I wrote this post months ago. I still don't know how to introduce it, or what to title it, but I do think it's time to share it.

In my dear boys posts, I call this boy Green. So, we're going to stick with that. When I met him I fell hard and fast. For an entire semester I invited him over for smoothies, movies, cinnamon rolls, game nights, etc. Anything and everything to get his attention. We went on a few dates throughout the semester, became really good friends, and one time he even accidentally held my hand.

Finally, the week before that semester ended, he asked me if we could be "officially unofficial". The unofficial part lasted about a day. All summer, we spent every moment we could together. Dates to the Planetarium, feeding the ducks, he came and visited me at summer camp and I visited him in Logan. At the end of the summer, he kissed me for the first time left to go teach English in China for 3 months.

We skyped, we emailed, we talked on the phone, we facebooked, we chatted on MSN, everything to keep in touch. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and distance helped us realize we wanted to be together forever. So, we made plans to get married. I moved home in December without finishing my degree at Snow College. I lived at home to save money and be closer to where he was living. The next month and a half was a whirlwind of happiness that he was home and living so close, dates, visiting each others families, etc.

Then, one fateful day in February, my grandpa passed away from Cancer. We knew it was coming, but it was still hard to see him go. I called Green in tears and he did what he could to comfort me. We went on a date that night and had an incredible, deep discussion in the car. I remember our goodbye kisses as if they happened yesterday. It was bliss. The next day, I didn't hear from him all day. I started to worry, and finally he called me late that night in tears. I later found out that that was the day he'd been planning to propose.

"I think I might be gay." - Six little words you never ever expect to hear from your boyfriend.

He told me he really did love me, that he was genuinely attracted to me, but that he was also attracted to men. He said he'd never acted on it and he just wished it would go away. I was speechless, but willing to work through whatever it took, because I loved him.

We took a step back in our relationship, but continued to spend time together. One day, I made the comment that if we had already been married, we wouldn't just get a divorce and get re-married if it worked out, so maybe we shouldn't give up on what we had. We decided to fast and pray about it. When we talked about it later, we ended up deciding we should part ways.

So we broke up.

Within a week or two, we were chatting online and he told me that he'd decided to try the gay lifestyle because he felt that it would bring him more happiness than trying to overcome it. Every now and then, we still exchange a couple emails just to make sure we're both still alive.

I've known that I should write this post for a long time now. Not to whine, not to make a statement on homosexuality, and certainly not to shed a bad light on him, but to share something that has helped define who I am. My hope, is that by sharing this story, I can reach someone who has maybe had a similar experience or who needs to hear my story. What I want you to know is that I love all of God's children. 

I went through several layers of heartbreak in this experience. I felt the heartbreak of losing a relationship that I had planned on lasting forever and I was also deeply heartbroken for him and the things he was going through. Though I didn't agree with his choices, I still cared about him and the pain he was experiencing.

In time, and it took a long time, I let my heart heal. I still pray for him all the time. I hope so much that he finds happiness. It wasn't until I forgave him for the pain I felt because he left me, that I could let him go and move on. And still, I will always have a place for him in my heart.

I think the most important thing for me to share with you today is that God loves his children. The pain I went through from that breakup taught me so much. I'm sure there are other kinds of heartbreak that I will never understand, but I can't help but believe that we are given the heartbreaks we need to mold us into better people. I promise you that God is aware of you and knows what you're going through. Let Him heal your heart.

Disclosure statement: As I said, I didn't write this for the purpose of making a statement on homosexuality. I do have certain beliefs that are always going to be reflected in my writing however. If you want to know my position on homosexuality and same gender attraction, you can read more here
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