Friday, December 3, 2010

secret, secret

Do you blog-stalk Ashley over at Little Miss Momma like I do? If you don't, well, you probably should. I adore her blog.

This week, she hosted a "secret series". She shared her secret and she encouraged bloggers all over to share their secrets. It has been pretty moving to see strong, brave women share their secrets. Turns out, we all have secrets. Often, they are the things you would least expect.

I've been debating whether or not I wanted to share my secret to link up today. I feel like my secret is not actually a big deal. But, it's a big deal to me. I think that makes it more difficult to think about putting it out there.

But, here goes

I have awful acne. Yes, I've seen pictures of people with worse acne, so I should count my blessings there. But, all the same, mine still sucks. 

I've had acne since I was 11, now I'm 22. Yep, that's half my life that I've dealt with it. 

Most of the time, I'm okay. I get over it and I've learned to have self-confidence in spite of it. 

But sometimes, sometimes I'm not okay. There are days (if not weeks) that I have awful, cystic acne that is painful. I literally cannot touch that spot on my face without ending up in tears. And, even when I manage to have a mostly clear face, I still have to cake on the concealer to hide my red, acne-scarred cheeks. I try new "remedies" all the time. Those result in dealing with dry skin, or worsened break out, or feeling like it's getting better and then it just stops working. And even though I've found things that help, I've never found something to take it all away. 

I tell myself that nobody notices it like I do, but I live in fear of being described by my acne. "Elise, who?" "Oh, you know, she's tall, she has acne..." "oh, right!" 

And, I rarely post a picture on my blog/facebook that I haven't photoshopped to edit out any blemishes. Nobody should have to feel like they need to photoshop their pictures before they share them. 

Like I said, most of the time I'm okay. But I do go through moments of self-doubt and struggle every time I put on makeup in the morning and I work to hide my skin. 

I wish I could count the number of people who know my secret on one hand. But, I can't. People can see my secret. Yes, it's better with makeup, but they still know. 

I see girls with beautiful skin and I am filled  with jealousy. It's not that I don't ever feel beautiful, I do. I just want beautiful, clear, [painless], skin. 

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