Friday, May 27, 2016

oh hey

So, it's been a while. I hate that thing people do where they apologize for not blogging for a while, yet I totally feel the need to do it. But, really, I do actually want to talk about why I haven't blogged in a while.

When I first started this blog, it was a place where I shared about my life. Then I tried out the fashion blogger thing for a moment, shared some recipes, did some sponsored posts and got some cool free stuff, and eventually remembered that I loved blogging because it was a place to share things I cared about and also a good place to write when I needed to share what was on my mind. Most of the time - that meant dear boys posts because the "joys" of dating were on my mind a lot in those days.

Sometime within the time I graduated college and when I started my career, I stopped having time to blog. Stopped making time is fair to say also. But really,  my college major offered me a bit more free time than the 8-5 gig I have now. So I wrote less. Then I started dating my now husband and wanted to spend all my free time with him - PLUS I no longer had dating woes to write about. So, I wrote a lot less.

And now I'm in a place where sharing about my life - one of my favorite things about blogging - feels a lot different. I like sharing our love story, but it's our love story to share. I don't mean that it can't just be in my voice, but I want to make sure what I'm sharing is something my husband is okay with me sharing as well. Because many parts of my life are no longer just mine. Which is a really wonderful thing and I like it a lot, but it changes the way I write. At least about some things.

Plus, if I'm being really honest, I'm not sure I really know what to say anymore. I'm still passionate about life. There are many great things I could talk about and many tough challenges I could talk about too. But blogging has still moved down on my priorities list and opening up online has moved waaaay up on my vulnerability list.

The internet is a really cool thing. I have made so many very dear friends through various forms of social media, I have learned a LOT, gained a lot of great perspectives, and social media is pretty much the meat and potatoes of my career. But I have also seen a lot of bullying online, I've been bombarded with lots of untrue, unkind, and uncomfortable information, and I've often been told I'm wrong. I know it's okay to be wrong sometimes and I also know it's okay (normal! wonderful!) for people to have different opinions. But, I'd be lying to you if I didn't say that my little heart is just very very scared about hearing how "wrong" I might be or why exactly I should think differently than I do.

There's a lot of word vomit for you - one of my favorite forms of blogging. I'm sitting here coaching myself through the thought of publishing this post. "It's your blog, this is what's on your mind right now, you can share it and it doesn't matter if anyone cares or reads it. It's what YOU wanted to share." Yet, the people pleaser in me feels REAL lame for posting such a vomit-y, "unimportant" post. But if there's anything I've learned recently, it's that I've got to stop spending my life trying to please everyone - or anyone. I can't do it. Trying is not only pointless, but it's harmful.

So, here's where I'm at: I love blogging and I know that writing does my heart some serious good. I'm going to keep writing. I'm definitely going to keep writing our love story - because I want it written for forever and it's my favorite story to share. But, I'll also be doing that on my own time. I had a little chat with my people-pleasing self just now and said "Hey, it doesn't matter if you're coming up on one year of marriage and you haven't even gotten to the part of the story where Matt proposed. Write when, how, and whatever you want." But I also don't know what else this blog will be about. Pieces of my life has always been the goal, I just have to figure out which pieces I want to share publicly and which pieces are just for me.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

malise love story part six

The day after Matt kissed me, I left work early to head down to Salt Lake for a Jason Mraz concert. (Side note: If you get the chance, see Jason live. It was much more of an intimate musical experience than just an opportunity to watch him perform. SO good.)

As my sister and I drove to our parent's house together after the concert, I told her all about Matt and how great he is. When I got home, I told my dad "I might have a boyfriend and he's really great and his middle name is your first name, so that's cool." Then I told my mom "I think I have a boyfriend." and mentioned that we had kissed the night before.

The next day, my aunt was over and our family was all eating lunch together. My mom announced to everyone that I had a boyfriend and that I had kissed him. My dad said "What! You didn't tell me you kissed him!" I blushed and everyone insisted on passing my phone around to look at his Facebook profile picture. When my Aunt Kristee's got a look at my phone she said "I don't think kissing him was unreasonable at all!"

That night, I drove back to Logan to celebrate "Bowling Ball Day" (more about that here) with Matt and some other friends. My sister didn't have time to bowl with us, but came by the bowling alley to see Matt and give me her approval. Later that night, when Matt and I were saying goodbye on my doorstep I said "Soooo, I told my parents that you're my boyfriend. Are you okay with that title?" He pretended to think about it, then assured me that he was definitely okay with that title.

Nearly 24 hours later, we were sitting on a bench outside the Logan temple and Matt said to me "So, I'm your boyfriend, that makes you my girlfriend, right?" I laughed and said "Yes, I think that's how that works!" He asked if I was okay with that title and I playfully mocked him by pretending to think about it before telling him that I was.

We headed back to my apartment and decided to watch the first Narnia movie. Through the whole movie, I kept thinking to myself things like "I think I love him... no, I probably don't. I'm just excited about a new relationship." And five minutes later I'd think "But I think I love him! Okay, no. Elise. You just like kissing his face. You don't love him yet." And ten minutes later I had decided that maybe I did love him, but I definitely was not allowed to say anything to him yet.

When the movie finished, Matt hugged me and said "Okay, don't freak out..." (Which, naturally, caused me to internally freak out a little bit.) "but, I want you to know that I love you." My brain went a million miles a minute as I thought about how I wasn't allowed to say anything yet, but I hadn't planned on him being in love with me and so maybe I could tell him since he had told me? Though it felt like forever, I'm sure it was only a few seconds before I responded and said, "I love you too! But..."

more love story here

Thursday, January 7, 2016

malise love story part five: ice cream and first kisses

Oh hey there, sorry about that giant cliffhanger I left you on in part four. Spoiler alert: it all works out and we got married. Which I think you already knew.  So, I hope that cliffhanger didn't cause you too much trauma. ;)

The morning after I cried myself to sleep wondering if he was still interested, I woke up to a text from Matt that said "Good morning Elise! I hope you have a great day!" and I thought to myself "Okay, things are fine. What was I even worried about?" We texted alllllll day the next couple of days and discussed important matters like our favorite flavors of ice cream and which horse movies we'd seen. I told him that my favorite flavor of ice cream was Tillamook Mudslide and he informed me that Tillamook ice cream was on sale at the grocery store he worked at. Eventually we made plans to watch Seabiscuit and eat ice cream together that Tuesday night.

I'm not certain how we got to talking about horse movies because, in all reality, horse movies are a much less important topic than ice cream. And, though I didn't hate Seabiscuit, I really didn't actually care if I ever saw it again. So on Tuesday night when we got to his apartment and he asked if I had my heart set on Seabiscuit or if I'd rather watch something else, I was quite thrilled to agree on watching Ender's Game instead.

And also, it solidified the belief I had that this date was a lot less about Seabiscuit and ice cream and a lot more about seeing each other again. With the lights off. In prime cuddling position. He put the movie in and sat next to me, but, you know, not right next to me. I had played the "take the entire movie to hold hands" game before and I didn't have any desire to play it again that night. So I scooted close enough that we were touching and rested my head on his shoulder as the movie started. He responded by holding out his hand and saying "So, do you want to?"

Needless to say, we held hands and cuddled through the rest of the movie. And it was great. When the movie finished, I asked something like "So, did you really invite me over here to watch Seabiscuit or were you in it for the cuddling?" He admitted that he had hoped we'd cuddle and hold hands and asked me if I had been interested just in the movie. To which I said "Oh no, I was definitely hoping for some cuddling too."

Later that night, I updated my journal to say that he'd texted me back since my last heart-wrenching entry and that we'd cuddled that night. I mentioned that I had kind of wanted to kiss him but that I also was feeling confused because usually it seemed to take a lot more work than this to get a guy's attention and so WAS SOMETHING WRONG AND WHY IS THIS SO EASY?

I ended the journal entry with "IDK, I probably think too much." Which is a common truth in my life.

We'd made plans to see each other again on Thursday night. I'd agreed to help out with a local special needs dance and I invited him to come with me. He admitted that he hadn't been to a dance since high school, but was a really good sport about it and we had a fun time that night. (He was even very patient while I danced with one of the darling special needs guys who called me his girlfriend and asked if I wanted to marry him multiple times that evening.)

After the dance, we went back to my apartment and watched a couple episodes of Psych or The Office (I don't remember which?). When the show was over, we sat on my couch and talked for a while. Suddenly, he got really nervous and said "I'm sorry..." I looked at him with, I'm sure, a confused look. He continued, "You don't have to... no pressure..." and I said "What?" and finally, he said, "Do you want to... kiss?" I smiled, said yes, and waited for him to lean in closer. He didn't at first and made a comment about being rusty, I reassured him that I was a little out of practice too, got impatient and went 90 and let him go 10. (Watch this if you're confused.)

After we kissed, we hugged and said all kinds of cute things about how much we liked each other, etc. etc. and he told me he thought he was going to delete Tinder. I informed him that I had deleted mine the previous night and he said "I haven't been on since I met you." (Which, of course, I knew. Because I looked at his profile to see if he'd been on again before I deleted mine.)

That night's journal entry ended with "So, that's the story of when I kissed the cutest, nicest, most wonderful human."

more love story here

Monday, November 16, 2015

malise love story part four

On Saturday morning, I had plans to go to my favorite breakfast/brunch restaurant with my sister and cousins - but I made sure they knew that I had to be back in time for my shooting date with Matt. (Read: at least an hour before my date because obviously I had to perfect my hair and makeup before going up the canyon to shoot.) I remember being really excited for the date and spending an unhealthy amount of time deciding which hoodie I'd look the cutest in. 

Matt picked me up in his red truck (He'd driven his car on our previous date.) which I have to admit I found pretty attractive. I've never been all that interested in trucks, but it made him seem "rugged" or something - a side of him I hadn't experienced through Tinder chats or our first date. We headed to his apartment to meet up with his friends and then we all drove up the canyon to where we were going to shoot. 

As we were shooting, I was feeling fairly uncomfortable and awkward. With my perpetually clogged ear and the earplugs we both had in for shooting, it was a bit difficult to hear each other and that made conversation harder. Add that to the fact that I was a little gun shy (pun totally intended... or does it count as a pun if it's used in correct context?) about the whole shooting thing because I'd only been a few times and wasn't super familiar with how to use a gun. And add that to the fact that I could tell that his friends (though very kind and friendly) were observing me and trying to gauge my interest in Matt which made me uncomfortable. So, I had fun, but with all of that going on I was feeling pretty awkward by the end of the date and was definitely less talkative on the drive home. 

One of his friends had mentioned everyone getting together to play games. I had assumed they meant right after we were done shooting. So, when we came out of the canyon and Matt drove me back to my apartment, I figured that meant he was done spending time with me. I felt pretty disappointed because I had been looking forward to playing the games and had hoped that I'd be able to flirt and get to know Matt a little more when we were doing something more in my comfort zone. 

As he walked me up to my doorstep, Matt said "so, we're going to play games later tonight, do you want to come?" and I felt so silly for being disappointed before. I told him I would love to and waited awkwardly for him to hug me. He didn't move forward at all and I couldn't tell if I should make the move or if he didn't want a hug. Finally, we said goodbye without a hug and I went inside. I sat down on my couch and wondered why he didn't hug me. I felt like I had been awkward on the date and figured he was probably feeling like I wasn't interested. I decided to send him a text and said "I definitely want to come to games tonight. What is your address?" He quickly texted back and asked if he could pick me up for the game night. I was impressed that he wanted to pick me up and thought maybe there was hope after all and I hadn't ruined everything with my awkwardness earlier that day.

I won't go into the details of the game night, I don't even remember which games we played. I do remember being much more comfortable and having a great time. And at the end of the night, Matt drove me home, walked me up to my doorstep again, and this time he hugged me for a little bit longer than your average second (and a half?) date hug. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep with a huge smile on my face that night.

After a little Facebook stalking, I realized that he had the same last name as one of my new friends in my ward. So, the next day at church I asked her if they were related. She said "Yep, he's my cousin!" She asked how I knew him, got excited that we'd been on a few dates, and asked me if I liked him. "Yes, I think so?" I said, but I'm pretty sure the look on my face said a lot more about how much I liked him than I was willing to vocally admit at that point. She commented on another guy I had told her I was interested in a while back and mentioned that she wasn't sure he had been 'good enough' for me. "But my cousin," she said "my cousin, you can date."

Something about her "endorsement" made me even more excited about the potential. When I got home from church, I texted him to tell him that I'd figured out that I knew his cousin. He responded and said "Oh! Jennifer? Yeah, she's great, isn't she?" I responded quickly to agree and hoped he'd continue the conversation since we hadn't talked yet that day. But he never responded again that night. 

Here's what I wrote in my journal before I went to bed:
"I like this guy named Matt. He's just a really, really good guy. We've been talking for a few weeks, went on a date on Wednesday that went really well, went shooting yesterday, and then played games last night. There's just something about him that I really like. He's kind and funny and mature. He always keeps conversation going and is making more plans/promising we;ll talk soon. Today, I really kind of decided that I could see this going somewhere, that I like the idea of dating him. So, now I feel vulnerable and unsure about what he's thinking and we haven't really talked today. So, now I feel like it's back to the same pattern I always seem to go through. I know it's going to be fine... and maybe something will still happen with Matt."
I closed my journal and cried myself to sleep that night. The tears were probably enhanced by hormones (because, admittedly, they often are) but I also was just so sad that I'd started to admit that I could really like him and then he stopped responding - something he had never done before in the month or so that we had been talking.

Saturday, October 3, 2015


This is my favorite quote from the women's session of conference.
You can download the free printable here.

This weekend, I will be watching the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It's genuinely my most favorite time of the year. (And it happens twice!) I love hearing from modern prophets who speak the word of God. I watch conference because it makes me feel good. Sometimes I don't understand everything that is said, sometimes it's hard to stay awake for all 8-10 hours of conference, but without a doubt, I always finish up conference weekend feeling amazing about life. If you'd like to join me, you can watch online at

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

how to wear leggings and still be a good mormon

Before I start, I'd like to note that what I'm about to tell you also applies to drinking coke (or any caffeinated soda), wearing a bikini, or even getting a tattoo.

I'm really excited to let you know that you can wear leggings and be a good Mormon. Even if you want to wear them in public, you're not going to jeopardize your Mormon status. Do you want to know how to do this? Just do it.

What I really want you to know is that what you wear, drink, etc. etc. etc. has nothing to do with whether or not you're a "good Mormon". What even makes someone a "good Mormon" anyway?

A couple of years ago, I came to a realization that somewhere along the lines I'd started believing that I had to meet someone's checklist of all the 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts' that good Mormons do and do not do. And that's what I thought gave me value in life. When I finally recognized that I was living by that arbitrary checklist, I started to wonder why.

Why was I dressing 'modestly'? (And where did I get my definition of modest?)
Why was I bragging about having sworn less times than I could count on my two hands?
Why was I going to church on Sunday?

Because I was "supposed to". Because those things made me a good Mormon and a good Mormon was what I had aspired to be.

As I thought about this, I realized that I wasn't only doing these things because I was "supposed" to. Somewhere along the lines of living my generic "choosing the right" life, I did gain some convictions and beliefs about who I wanted to be. So, I'm actually not saying there's something wrong with doing what you think is "supposed" to make you a good person.

I think the most important point of this all is that at some point, we all have to move on from what we're "supposed" to do and make our own choices. Agency is one of the most incredible gifts that we have been given. Do you want to know how to wear leggings and still be a "good Mormon"? Make your own personal choice about whether or not you want to wear leggings and then realize that you're still the same person you were before, you either happen to wear leggings or you don't. It's actually pretty simple.

It's important to remember that our choices do have an effect on us. (None of that YOLO business, you know?) For me, carbonation (caffeinated or not) gives me a stomach ache. So, I choose not to drink soda most of the time for that reason. I also think that what you wear can definitely have an effect on how you feel and act. So, I've made personal choices about how I want to dress based on how I know those things effect me and those around me. I'm not going to tell you the specifics of my choices because the whole point of the article is that you don't need someone to tell you how to choose.

I don't think life was ever about meeting a checklist to be a "good Mormon" or a "good Christian" or even a "good human". I think life is a lot more about recognizing that we have our own desires AND the ability to receive our own personal spiritual guidance to help us actively use our agency. Trust yourself and those abilities enough to guide your own life - not meet a checklist.

Oh, and YOLO. (You only leggings once. Or never. You decide, remember?)

Sunday, September 6, 2015

malise love story part three: a tale of two tinder dates

After letting our Tinder conversation fizzle back in December, I didn't really think much about Matt for a while. Then, sometime around Valentine's Day, I saw him in my Tinder feed again. I realized that that meant either he had deleted Tinder and come back, or he'd unmatched us after I let conversation fizzle. "Well, I have to know if he swiped right on me again." I thought. "It's a Match!" popped up on my screen and I smiled. I decided to send him a message, I wanted to make sure he remembered who I was, so I mentioned things we had talked about before.

From that point on, we talked on Tinder pretty consistently. At night, he'd say "I'll talk to you tomorrow!" and I loved knowing that I'd hear from him again. Eventually, we exchanged phone numbers and started texting frequently.

At the end of February, my friend Steph and I took a spontaneous weekend trip to California. During that trip, I was texting two guys from Tinder; Matt and one other. (We're going to call him Kevin.) One blissful California night as Steph and I were walking around the LA temple, Matt asked me on a date for when I got back the next week. Steph and I talked about how excited I was and how I also hoped that Kevin would ask me on a date too.

When we got back from California, Kevin called and asked me on a date for that weekend. Which meant I had a date with Matt on Wednesday night and date with Kevin on Friday night. My friend, Dustin, asked me which date I was more excited for and I remember telling him that I liked talking to both guys and thought they were great, but that I was pretty sure Kevin would be the one I was interested in.

Wednesday night came and Matt showed up on my doorstep right on time. (He knew two of my best friends and they assured me it would be safe to tell him where I lived, so I did. #tindersafety) I'd had a cold that left me with an awful plugged ear and I found out pretty quickly that Matt is a pretty soft speaker. I was worried I wouldn't be able to hear him for the entire date and got really nervous that it would be awkward.

We got to Kneaders and ordered our cheesecake and picked a table for two right by the window. He and I talked for three hours with me leaning in the entire time in order to hear him. (Hey-a, Luce! This guy bothering you? looks like he's leaning. Okay, sorry for the distraction. back to the story.) We kept asking each other questions and at some point, I remember thinking "he just keeps talking... I'm pretty sure it's because he doesn't want this date to end..." and I thought that was pretty cute. As we walked up to my doorstep, he asked if I wanted to go shooting with him and some friends that Saturday. "Ooh, second date and we haven't even said good night yet, this is good!" I thought, and told him I would love to.

We hugged and said good bye. I walked inside and realized that I didn't know if I wanted to marry him yet. Okay, I understand how silly that sounds, but lets be honest - I was the kind of girl who would 'decide' either "yep, I could marry him some day" or "nope, let's never talk again, please" after one date. But this time I didn't know. All I knew was that I had had a great time and I wanted to see him again. And I felt like he genuinely wanted to see me again. And that felt good.

We texted pretty consistently the next couple of days minus the time we were sleeping and the time on Friday night when I went on the date with Kevin. I sent Matt one last response before Kevin picked me up and wondered if Matt would notice if I stopped responding for a while.

Kevin and I went bowling. He was just as handsome as he looked on Tinder, kind, charming, and a good date. I was definitely enjoying myself, but somewhere around frame 4 or 5 I thought, "This is fun, but I kind of wish I was with that Matt kid..." The thought kind of surprised me, but I put it in the back of my mind and tried to focus on the rest of the date with Kevin. After bowling, we got ice cream and talked. I enjoyed our conversation, but I still had Matt in the back of my mind and I was anxious to text him again.

After a while, Kevin took me home and walked me to my door. I thanked him and went inside and texted Matt. And then I sent Kevin an after-date text to thank him and let him know I'd had a good time. And then I kept texting Matt. The next day, when my friend Dustin asked me how my date with Kevin had gone, I said "Well, it was good... but I think I actually like Matt more."

more love story here


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